The New Rolly-Polly Deathmatch #1: The Darkest of Disney

On another forum a long time ago (or a year and a half ago, whatever), I took a great internet idea and made it my own: the internet deathmatch. In the internet deathmatch, two or more characters engaged in a hypothetical confrontation clash head-to-head, eye-to-eye and brain-to-brain, to see who would emerge the victor. With the medium of the forum I was able to commit such outcomes to polls, hence the Rolly-Polly Deathmatch.

The premise is simple: at the end of a predetermined period of time, the combatant with the most votes is declared the winner. But the art and the complexity lie in the execution; it is not enough to cast your vote and be done with it, oh no. For your champion of choice to harbor any hope of emerging triumphant, you must debate, persuade, badger, extoll your champion's strengths, cast a baleful light on every other combatant's shortcomings and form a compelling argument on why your champion would surely claim victory if the hypothetical battle were ever realized.

Stronger, more eloquent and more soundly conceived arguments will always surmount the brief and shallow cheers of fanboys and fanatics. Ask yourself, how solid a debater and analyzer are you? And would your support be an asset to your champion, or a detriment?

The following are examples of pro-Robocop arguments which one might find in a hypothetical Rolly-Polly Deathmatch between Robocop and Jason Voorhees:


A poor argument: "I voted Robocop because Robocop RULEZ!"

A fair argument: "Robocop has ranged weapons and a targetting computer which analyzes potential targets. Robocop's going to keep shooting till Jason goes down, and if Jason's just faking, Robocop will know. And Robocop's machinepistol is capable of shooting Jason to pieces if that's what it takes."

A very strong argument: "Examine Jason's history in the Friday the 13th films and you will see that he kills the majority of his victims not through brute force but through stealth; by the time the victim realizes that Jason's there, it's too late. But, as we can see from the warehouse ambush scene in Robocop, Robocop's onboard targetting computer is capable of spotting targets even through heavy concealment and light cover, and his sensory reception--including video and audio--has been fine-tuned to optimal levels, as mentioned among the OCP board members in Robocop. Therefore, Jason's attempts at stealth will fail against Robocop, forcing Jason to fall back on his penchant for brute force which, while very formidable, can be dealt with.

"For all his physical might, Jason's choices of weaponry have never included anything beyond improvised melee weapons...nothing possessed of very much firepower in itself. And, as we can see from Clarence Boddicker's death scene in the scrapyard (again, in the first Robocop movie), Boddicker's lackey dropped a few tons of scrap metal on top of Robocop, allowing Boddicker himself to grab a length of steel bar and punch it through Robocop's torso; neither the crushing pile of scrap metal nor the impaling metal bar succeeded in killing Robocop, nor did the barrages of gunfire which Robocop endured from the likes of the ED-209 droid, Boddicker's goons in the warehouse and the OCP police officers under Dick Jones' command. The borged-out Cain from Robocop II provided an even fiercer and more threatening enemy, but even Cain could neither kill Robocop nor prevent Robocop from exploiting his weaknesses and killing him. And if these formidable attempts on Robocop's life failed, then whatever knife, spear or axe Jason scrounges up will likely fail to kill Robocop as well.

"That leaves only the task of defeating Jason in order to seal Robocop's victory. Jason's immortality is legendary; he has proven capable of returning from one apparent death to the next, surviving sequel after sequel after sequel. So Robocop's machinepistol and data spike won't be enough to finish him off. However, as we saw in Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Jason--as well as most anyone else--can be put down for the count by at least one surefire thing: the wholescale destruction of the body. And though he chiefly relies on his trusty machinepistol, Robocop, as a special law enforcement unit for OCP, does have access to an assortment of other weaponry, including the horribly destructive Cobra rifle which Dick Jones (the former Vice President of OCP) supplied to the crimelord Clarence Boddicker, who used the Cobra rifle to great effect during the OCP work strike. After Robocop killed Boddicker, Robocop recovered the Cobra rifle and returned to OCP's headquarters, making entry after using the Cobra rifle to completely demolish another ED-209 droid. ED-209s are walking tanks formerly designed for use by the military, and if a Cobra rifle can instantly reduce an ED-209 to flinders, then Jason Voorhees will withstand the Cobra's blasts for about as long as a fart in a hurricane.

"In conclusion, Robocop will ascertain what Jason has done to any number of murdered campers, he will subsequently analyze Jason's capabilities, he will see Jason coming for him and he will reduce Jason to a fine red mist, retreating to headquarters to requisition the Cobra rifle if necessary. And this outcome assumes that Robocop's cybernetic physical strength is not greater than Jason's undead physical strength, because if that were the case, then Robocop could simply use police close-quarters tactics to put Jason (who, as an undead grown-up little boy, has had zero formal close-quarters combat training) on the ground facefirst, clamp the cuffs on him, put him in the back of the OCP patrol vehicle, fill out the paperwork for the arrest and be done with it. Either way, Robocop for the win."


Through these guidelines, I and the rest of the City of Heroes Guru community staged some truly remarkable Rolly-Polly Deathmatches (as well as a few lamentable ones; I'm still trying to get over the embarassment of pitting Edward "Blackbeard" Teach against Ryu Hayabusa)...

...remarkable matches such as this one...
...and this one...
...and this one...
...and this one...
...and this one...
...and this one...
...and one to rule them all...
...and this one...
...and this one...
...as well as a ridiculous spin-off or two...or eight....
And a whole bunch of ideas that never cracked the egg.

And now that we have established the groundwork for a Rolly-Polly Deathmatch, let us unveil this week's combatants.

The Disney corporation has long borne an unflattering reputation for "cutesifying" their work. Whether through rewritten storylines, cute talking animals, cute anthropomorphic robots or cute anthropomorphic material objects, Disney's writers have proven themselves willing to stoop to any intelligence-insulting means to send one up for the kiddies. However, every once in a blue moon, Disney unleashes a truly worthy villain, a sentient sinkhole of evil so concentrated and pure that we the audience are inescapably compelled to sit up, take notice and marvel at the villain's vast magnitude of wickedness. And so I have taken three of whom I have judged to be Disney's most irredeemably sinister movie villains, and I have brought them to the New Rolly-Polly Deathmatch for a showdown.

And here they are:



First Disney Appearance: Sleeping Beauty (1959)

Summary: Snubbed when the king and queen were passing out invitations to Princess Aurora's christening, Maleficent crashed the party to convey her disgruntlement to both the royal family and the faeries who had been invited. Evil, sorcery-packing faerie women do not handle rejection well, so Maleficent laid her infamous death curse on Baby Aurora. The good faeries got Aurora's sentence reduced from death to endless slumber, but Maleficent didn't think that was such a bad deal; there are fates worse than death, as Maleficent knows well. And she'll eagerly imprison, torment and kill any aspiring prince who strives to unravel that fate.

Capabilities: Maleficent brings a whole bag of magic tricks to the table, including the ability to teleport, to hurl fiery blasts and lightning bolts, to change the weather, to transform into a mighty dragon and, of course, to lay curses. Being resistant to mundane weaponry in her dragon form is one more perk of the metamorphosis, and a small army of goblins at her command completes the tally.

Defining Quote: "Now you shall face me, O prince, and all the powers of Hell!"




First Disney Appearance: The Black Hole (1979)

Summary: The Black Hole was an uncharacteristically dark live-action Disney movie, and Maximillian alone provided copious nightmare fuel for many a toddler whose parents were misled by Disney's sweet, child-friendly promise and brought their kids to sit through one of The Black Hole's cinematic showings. Harboring a silent yet sinister intelligence, in the course of 98 minutes Maximillian's artificial mind proved itself capable of an assortment of vices and inhumanities, including cruelty, jealousy, violence, betrayal, vindictiveness and murderous bloodshed. Maximillian had to topple the robotic marksman Captain S.T.A.R. to earn a place at Dr. Rhinehardt's side, and when Dr. Rhinehardt finds a like mind in Dr. Alex Durant, Maximillian--apparently jealous or fearful of being replaced as Rhinehardt's most favored--summarily kills Dr. Durant with practically no provocation. Possessed of a singleminded and unstoppable drive, Maximillian provided a truly fearsome and dangerous antagonist to the surviving heroes who sought to avert Dr. Rhinehardt's plans to take them with him on a deranged one-way voyage into the black hole.

Capabilities: Maximillian has no ranged weapons, but he usually doesn't need them; however, in this instance, he has retained a standard squad of eight of the Cygnus' enforcer droids--each outfitted with the standard two tandem-barrel laser pistols--to handle such a need should it arise. In himself, Maximillian is capable of flight and can hover indefinitely, and he has an assortment of limbs specialized for such tasks as manipulating objects, interfacing with various technologies, generating electromagnetic fields, striking with blunt force, cutting metal and shredding victims with his furiously rotating three-bladed talons. His steely, demonic red hull is impervious to many attacks (short of a sustained drilling from a steel drill and other such labored attacks), and his stark, featureless, emotionless visage and red, cyclopean gaze were terrifying enough to keep even his own master in fear of him.

Or perhaps Maximillian was the real master all along....

Defining Quote: (None but an endless emotionless silence, broken by the evil whine of blades shearing through a thick book and punctuated by Dr. Durant's agonized death screams.)




First Disney Appearance: The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

Summary: When he was first introduced in Victor Hugo's ageless tale, Claude Frollo was a meek, lustful and mildly manipulative Catholic clergyman. But in another uncharacteristic invocation to the Dark Side, Disney turned Frollo into a magistrate, vested him with political power and forged his personality into that of a cruel, sadistic, morally corrupt and implacable despot. His malice towards the Gypsies hints at an even darker and possibly genocidal ambition against them--one which only the force of the Law can inhibit--and such is his charisma that Quasimodo, for most of the movie, remains loyal to him despite the oppression that Quasimodo has endured under Frollo's unyielding hand. His dominion over Paris is deeply entrenched and his authority is absolute...so absolute that nothing short of Frollo's direct assault against Notre Dame--and, by association, God Almighty Himself--could rouse the people of Paris to turn against him and dethrone him....

Capabilities: The bulk of Frollo's strength lies chiefly in his political power and station; through that station, Frollo commands hundreds of men-at-arms and countless Parisian citizens, merchants and aristocrats beyond them. An enemy in the open will be immediately swamped once the armsmen close the distance; an enemy beseiged in an enclosure will not endure for much longer. In himself, Frollo is only a passable swordsman, but beware his self-righteous drive and craven treachery; though he may seem to have surrendered to you, the sudden, sharp sting of a dagger plunging into your back will assure you that he has truly not.

Defining Quote: "There, there, Quasimodo. I know it hurts. But now the time has come to end your suffering...forever."


The black hole had altered the flow and order of space; this much, Dr. Rhinehardt had predicted. But Dr. Rhinehardt had not anticipated the black hole's dilation of time or the flux inflicted on reality as well. A thousand outcomes were written, rewritten and rewritten again. The crew of the Palomino slain, their torn and laser-burned bodies scattered throughout the Cygnus, and the Palomino destroyed--and Dr. Harry Booth killed--during an ill-fated liftoff. The benevolent robots V.I.N.CENT. and Bob, brutally dismembered and cast into the cold void of outer space. Dr. Rhinehardt, crushed beneath the collapsing structure of the bridge, betrayed and left to die. Captain S.T.A.R. and all but a handful of his soldier droids, destroyed by the same malevolent force who decided that they were no longer needed. And all the drones who crewed the Cygnus, killed on impact when the Cygnus, badly damaged by a barrage of meteorites and the black hole's immense hypergravity, returned to Earth and plummeted through the atmosphere, crashing in the outskirts of Paris. But the surviving sinister figure emerged from the wreckage to see that it was not the same Paris which existed when the Cygnus departed Earth on its fateful voyage, but was instead another Paris, one which existed at some point during the Middle Ages.

And in that river of time Princess Aurora was rescued from Maleficent's tower not by the destined Prince Phillip--who, with his faerie allies, yet lay chained in a prison which had proven all too inescapable--but by a humble and malformed bellringer and his small band of friends, all hailing from the faraway hills and cities of France. But neither Quasimodo nor Esmeralda was the bloodthirsty type, and Phoebus' blade had failed to strike away Maleficent's life; the wicked faerie yet lived, and now she and her creatures had come to Paris. Though Quasimodo and his friends could not wake Aurora from her enchanted slumber, they were content to secret her away within the towering cathedral until the one destined to awaken her could be found.

And now, Maleficent had come to reclaim her prisoner. But she and her goblins would not enter Paris unchallenged. Across the plaza, the judge, riding high in the saddle of his stalwart steed, regarded the grim faerie and her monstrous underlings with a piercing gaze. He was a man who, though wicked in his heart of hearts, held only ire and condemnation for whatever of the world's evils he perceived...and he had never spied demons so self-evident as these. With Judge Frollo's sharp command, his armored swordsmen and halberdiers leveled steel at the intruders, warning them of bloodshed, death and eternal damnation if they advanced.

But what advanced into the square then was neither faerie nor goblin but a band of somber mechanical knights, led by a floating scarlet form shrouded in a diabolical air. Where Frollo saw an alloyed demon, Maleficent saw a grim and mystic crusader, and each assumed that Maximillian was an ally of the other.

Threats and commands were shouted across the expanse. Steel sang in the breeze. And that day, the streets of Paris would know the clamor of a battle unlike any other before.

...and unlike any other until time's end.


And now, let the first New Rolly-Polly Deathmatch begin!

Oh what the hell, aside from the numerous useful things I could be doing right about now....


Maleficent for the win, hands down, without question.


Why you ask? (of course you ask, why wouldn't you??)

It can be logically assumed that the Parisians under Frollo's command would be the best equiped, trained and prepared, since the above senario has them fighting on their home turf. The goblins the most numerous and unpredictable and the robots to be the toughest and best armed. Still they all have notable weaknesses, the Parisians have a lack of leadership and toughness in Frollo, the goblins are weak and chaotic and the droids are laughably under-manned.

Add to all this, I seriously doubt that any of the three arch-villains would give a whoop about their minions, happilly sacrificing any number neccessary to achieve their aims. In short, the armies of all three are irrelivent and cancel each other out, leaving only the three villains themselves to contend with.

Let's take them apart, er, I mean, take them one at a time...


#3 Frollo;

*Laughs* Without his army at his back, what will Frollo possibly do? Tell Captain Febus to arrest one of them? Sign a writ to have them evicted from Paris? Sing a naughty song about them in front of a fireplace? No, so either Frollo is quickly and decively turned into a red splotch on the ground or is sent fleeing from Paris, running as fast as he can. Good bye, so long, don't let the door hit ya on the way out.

#2 Maximillian;

Maximillian is indeed a scientific, technological terror, but in the fae creature, Maleficient, Max must face a creature of magic, something he surely has never faced. In The Black Hole, Max definatly withstood several point blank shots from a laser weapon, crashed through walls and ignored horrific, life-threatening conditions being a machine. But how would his circutry withstand a bolt of lightning? Could he hover indefinatly in the face of gale force winds or otherwise deal with the broad enchantments that Maleificent would surely bring against him?

At least Max would be able to endure an attack...for a while at least, making him notable in the macth against Maleificent. But even assuming that his computer brain and armored shell could withstand the spells and power that were sent against him, what then? Defense would seem to be Maximillian's strongest suit, but historically, the one that is put on the defensive and continues to take punishment, often is the loser. After a while, even the toughest nut cracks....

As pointed out, Max lacks any decisive offensive capabilities. Maleficent on the other hand, has one last, awesome trick, becoming a massive dragon. (and why she's just that awesome, in my humble opinion)

While Maleficent does not have a drill, in her dragon form, she does have the ability to simply pound away on poor Max. While it might take time, while she might break a sweat doing it, while Max might even draw a bit of blood in the process, how long until those bladed arms are simply snapped off? How much pounding would it take before Max can no longer hover or endure attack? While it might take awhile, eventually the lobster's shell with break, and then the yellow-green dragonfire will treat Maximillian to a whole different version of Hell.

Oh yes, the red glowing visage will fade and then there shall be only one victorious; Maleficent.

maximillian blast maleicent do death with his built in blasters then is sucked into the whirly death spiral

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1dkS3J_Fo0

look at it this way. Maleficent was thwarted by three bumbling fae and a mortal man. Maximillian has literally been to Hell (at about 2:40) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDj6XtZrxvw&feature=related

and from the looks of things was put in charge. I don't think that he has much to worry about from maleficents dragon toenails after surviving a singularity

/thread

S.E.A.M.U.S wrote:

and from the looks of things was put in charge.

...after consuming his creator in the process. Interesting, eh?

And you know what? I totally forgot that Maximillian had laser weapons too! Between his laser weapons, his damn-near-indestructibility, his electrified grasp, his steely punches and his whirling blades of doom, I too am thinking that Maleficent would be pretty hard-pressed to defeat this evil robot. Even with our current level of technology, laser can achieve temperatures of around 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit and can melt through steel in seconds, perhaps even sooner. Could dragon scales withstand that? I'm not so sure.

And take it from an old Air Force electrician: just the fact that Maximillian is perpetually flying gives him a measure of protection from electrical damage, let alone any shielding he might have (to protect him from his own electrical weapon, if nothing else). As long as Maximillian is not in contact with the ground, he is not grounded and therefore cannot complete the circuit between one of Maleficent's lightning bolts and the ground. Either he would have to be very close to the ground or the lightning bolt would have to be of a very high amperage for the jolt to affect him at all.

To illustrate that point, I was riding my mountain bike home from work sometime around 2002 or 2003; it was stormy weather, but I had to get home. At one point I was coasting down a hill, with my left hand and handlebar about 2 feet from a nearby guardrail. A lightning bolt chose that moment to strike the guardrail at the top of the hill. In that instant, I heard the very loud thundercrack behind me right as the entire left half of my field of vision was engulfed by a brilliant white flash, and that was the same time that I felt a sharp sting in my left hand (which was almost touching the metal of my handlebar), and right after that everything from my left elbow down to my fingertips went completely numb...and stayed completely numb for almost two days after that. And my heart immediately started fluttering at what felt like five-hundred beats per minute; as soon as I reached the bottom of the hill, I had to park the bike, sit down in the grass and wait for my heartrate to come back down to normal before I could go home. I also couldn't sleep a wink that night. That wicked jolt must have wreaked some temporary havoc on my nervous system.

So as near as I figure, the lightning struck, travelled down the guardrail and leaped across to my handlebar and my hand. Predictably enough, even though the guardrail was grounded at several points (from the steel guardrail supports), the lightning bolt was too powerful for the guardrail's grounding to disperse completely. I and my bike were wet from the rain--which certainly didn't help me, except for making me lightning bait--and the only thing that really spared me further injury was those two tires--masses of insulating rubber and insulating air--separating me from the ground. If I had been walking my bike down the hill (as I had sometimes done whenever my bike got a flat tire), I would have been grounded, wet and in direct physical contact with a good-sized metallic object. Who knows what the lightning arc would have done to me then?

So even though Maximillian is made of metal (which makes him a large conductor, though he may also have shielded circuitry to counter this...), he also has a cushion of insulating air to keep him from sustaining a telling whallop from a lightning strike. The chances of aircraft being struck by lightning while in flight are actually very remote; it's mostly a storm's other inclement conditions--high winds, inconstant wind speed and direction (hello, turbulence), heavy rain and very poor visibility--which compel aviation authorities to forbid aircraft to fly through storms, whether they're electrical storms or not.

We can also figure that it's not raining in this scenario, though rain would mean a wet Maximillian and a wet Maleficent; surely she would be wise enough to abstain from hurling electricity as soon as the rainwater turned her own skin and clothing into electrical conductors, making the prospect of a damp robot a non-issue.

...

Hmm...but it seems that we're a bit late for voting anyway. Perhaps I should have set the duration for considerably longer than one week.

Also, since you two bothered to reply, which of you two wants to make the next Deathmatch?

(now that you remind me ainsley of the flying) two words - Faraday cage the lightning bolt woud fglow around good old maxie